Solid Rock

Without God, I am nothing. Lord, without You I am nothing.. without You I am nothing.. without You..

I've been so confused lately... trying to make sense of life, because life has been very hard. Watching close Friends fall apart and become seemingly unencourageable, pain in my head that wont relent.. even for just one moment, my aunt passing away from a disease that had no cure, ..trying to be strong.. but being strong seems impossible, but i know that's not true. (see post entitled "strong" lol)

It just looks so hopeless.

last week, before my aunt past away, I was telling my friend that I didn't understand what God was doing in my life and in the lives of others.. Everything was getting worse when i was praying for relief. I could not make sense of it all.. I prayed to God and I was so upset! I said "where are You, God???? where have you gone when I need You so badly!??" Then He immediately showed me that HE IS NOT ABSENT IN MY TRIALS. He is HERE with me! and EVERYTHING that is happening is for His GLORY and for my GOOD. and I had a huge apology to give to Him for my unbelief.. for my doubt in His power and goodness. he is always good. no matter how it looks to me..I can not possibly know every detail of His plans! I don't need to know.. i just need to know who He is and trust that He will never change.

ok ok, so, thennnn, I went on a trip. i got on a plane last minute and went to Kentucky to visit my dear friends and I prayed that God would work through that visit and that I would be able to encourage them while they go through some hard times.

It was an AWESOME trip. I could not even take in how awesome it was. It was like I was in a dream, and it wasn't even real. I kept asking God almost every moment to show me what He was doing.. and to help me take it in. I just wanted whatever He wanted! I just wanted to serve Him. I also got to talk to like 5 people at the airport and on the plane rides about my nerve damage and about how good God is! One girl was so interested in it that we talked the WHOLE five hour plane ride about God and she wanted to know EXACTLY what Christians believe. it was like God was giving me a pop quiz! I got to tell her all about Jesus and about Gods love! She totally was led to Jesus.. He took over her heart and we prayed.. and it was so amazing.. so surreal. IT ENCOURAGED ME SO MUCH. one less dieing soul.. and without my pain.. i have no clue how we would have started up a conversation about God.
Thank You Lord.. thank You. You are worthy of Praise. it is Your face I seek!!! It is YOUR face I seek.

Right when i got off my plane back in Orange County, my mom told me that my aunt had passed away. there was no time to think. I was still amped out of my mind about my trip and my new sister in Christ that this news was not hitting me. It felt like I was still in the dream... that this was all just not real.

I stopped by my youth group and sang worship with them before going home. and my eyes could not help but well up with tears. all I could think about was how AWESOME it was that I know all these amazing people and i get to have them in my life. They sing so loud and they seek to give God glory! they WANT Him.. and when they don't they are seeking PRAYER and encouragement. it blows me away. I am so blessed beyond words.

I got home to be with my sisters and I felt like i needed to be strong for them.. they were so torn. So I pushed away grief and I chose to be joyful. That only lasted till everyone went to sleep...then it finally hit me.. it hit me that all this is so overwhelming. I let go, I stopped trusting, and I started to sink. I didn't even know how to reach out for Jesus' hand to pull me up! darkness fell over me and I truly could not see a thing at all. I was so confused! why was all this happening?? it felt so random!! I started crying and i felt like i was drowning in tears. My beautiful best friend called me at this time (which was PERFECT timing) and she just listened to me while I poured out feelings that didn't make sense. she stayed on the phone with me till i stopped crying.. and i felt better. I stopped sinking.. but i was still in deep waters.

I then tried to go to sleep.. but i noticed that my older sister was a mess.. and i asked her if she was ok.. and we both started crying again. we were not ok. and I just kept saying out loud "God please, make sense of this.. bring someone that will encourage me! show me how to be in You right now.. show me how to stand on You as my solid rock.. because i have no clue how to.." and then i was saying to my sister. God has a plan. plans to give us a future and a hope.. and she was saying "val its ok to not have it together.. its ok to not be happy right now" and i said "I don't want to be happy.. i just want to comforted." then we called our dear friend in the middle of the night and she just kept saying that our aunt is with HIM..out of pain and into beautiful glory.

and it finally hit me at that moment. God took satan completely out of my head and he PULLED ME UP from sinking in the water! He SHOWED me that her death is not meant to bring me despair.. it is meant to show me Gods love. and to bring me HOPE. Flash backs of the girl i met on the plane ran through my head.. thoughts of how that is NOT RANDOM and it is perfectly placed at that time so that I can see SO much MORE how AWESOME God is! That He is a God who SAVES. He is faithful always to do these things for my GOOD. Forgive me for doubting, God! You are always WORTHY to be trusted!

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8
I read this verse this morning and i realized that God has to come first in my life in order for my faith to be unshakable in Him. He has to be number one, NOT me. Loving Him has to come first, NOT answers to my problems.

God is a solid rock. a never changing, never leaving, never ending, ROCK and a fortress for His people! THERE IS HOPE. there is EVERLASTING life. He will never fail. never.

The way He chooses to care for me so much, completely blows me away. I will rest in His love.