Dancing with Jesus!!!

HELLO!

 I feel like its been forever since I have updated on my life! haha before I say anything I just want to say thank you for the sweet messages I have received through email!! You guys are so sweet!!! (you know who you are!)thank you so much for the LOVEEEE!!!

 so last time I updated I wanted to become a fitness specialist!! But GOD had a different plan for me. hahaha I ended up not being able to get any classes this semester and INSTEAD I got a job teaching more dance classes and I have ALSO been taking dance classes!!! Its been so fun but so hard!!! I have been learning about how awesome it is to LEARN!!! haha The new studio gave me 7 classes to teach! Some classes I haven't even had experience in teaching before but my boss gave them to me anyways and told me she believed in me. It was so sweet and immediately I knew that God was up to something amazing, and even though I had no idea what I was going to do, I knew I just needed to trust that He would teach me!! Here I am with Nerve damage in my head and a tired, frail, body and I'm teaching tons of dance classes.. WOW GOD. just wow. This is 100% completely HIM and HIS LOVE. I go in there feeling so inadequate and all I do is ASK GOD to do it for me and to be my strength and my JOY and all the sudden I am thinking of all these things to teach and the students are having a blast and AHHH!!! ITS ALL HIM!!! There is no way that this could be me. No way! On top of all that amazing love from God... I get to encourage these kids to keep going, even when its hard. I was having my 3 year old class hop on one foot, and one of my girls looked at me and said "teacher!!! I cant do it!!! its too hard!!!" and I came to her, got down on her level, and told her "You can do it, sweet princess! I'm going to help you!" and I took her hands and helped her across as she smiled ear to ear!!..
 THIS brought tears to my eyes in the moment.. because.. I just saw Jesus in this. IT WAS NOT ME. IT WAS HIM. I know it might sound weird that I am pointing out how I see Jesus working through me.. but I'm going to do it anyways because HE encouraged me so much! I realized in that moment that we are never ever ever in this alone... Jesus is here.. and He takes our hands.. and He helps us. we are NEVER IN THIS ALONE. How BEAUTIFUL is His love!!!

 In the dance classes I am taking.. every second I feel way to exhausted to continue.. but I remind myself "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." and somehow.. I press on. and I see that ITS NOT ME.. its Him. On Sunday I was going to dance hula in this outreach luau, but when I got there my head was hurting so much that I couldn't walk and I hadn't been able to eat anything all day.. and everything inside of me was saying "just give up and go home. you can't do it." and right then I had a sweet girl come up to me and tell me that I inspire her through my head pain! and that she was thankful for me! WHAT?!?! Here I am ready to give up and God says "be still, sweet daughter, I am using you." but still I felt like there was no way I was going to get up on that stage.. and just then I had ANOTHER girl come up to me and ask me how I was.. I told her that I wasn't doing good and I didn't think I was going to be able to dance. and she said "If God brought you here, He will dance for you up there!" HOW COULD I FORGET THIS?!?! How could I forget His faithfulness in my life! That He ALWAYS comes through. Right then I was reminded that He who is IN me is stronger that he who is in the world. So I put a smile on my face and prayed my heart out and Jesus danced through me on that stage. I am so humbled and AMAZED to see God so vividly and HUGE in my life and all around me! thank You JESUS!!!!

I need Him so much! all the time. each day. every second. Jesus... Jesus.. Jesus. I want to be wholeheartedly surrendered and devoted to HIM! Right now I feel like nothing else matters but Him!!! TAKE THIS WORLD AND GIVE ME JESUS!!!! I just want Him!!! The deeper I go into this valley of pain the DEEPER I get to know His heart and HIS LOVE! The more I have to do that I feel like I can't handle.. the more HE COMES THROUGH! Thank You Jesus! I am so messed up and so small and such a sinner and in every way consumed with myself, thinking this life is about me and I am so quick to forget His LOVE! BUT He has SAVED ME and called me His and washed away all of the mess and has a plan for me and loves me loves me loves me! I do not deserve this!!! WHAT A GIFT!!!! I cant even type! I cant even get out my thoughts in a way that makes sense! because it just doesn't make sense!!!!! His love is so far beyond comprehension! I am so blessed to know Him! I am just absolutely NOTHING! He is EVERYTHING! I feel so LAME to even update this blog about whats going on in my life because I feel like the whole post should be full of JUST JESUS JESUS JESUS! because that's all I need.. and that's all you need.

 Thank You God, That You know.. That you understand.. that you LOVE.. that you are stronger than head aches and STRONGER than my weak body.. and more powerful than the enemy that tells me I can't do it!!! Even though this trial is so hard, I see the streams of mercy that never cease that come from YOUR heart and YOUR LOVE! ahhhh! I don't even know what I'm saying!!! I'm just going to post this and pray that God uses it somehow to encourage you!

 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."- 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

 JESUS YOU ARE ENOUGH.

ONTHEVINE - "Like A Tree"

So thankful that my Savior is a Mighty Warrior, and that He is by my side, holding my hand, and carrying me through every second of my pain and affliction. Thank You Jesus.<333 I am so in love.

discipline

Wow, it has been a while since ive blogged! There has been a lot going on lately. I don't even know where to start! haha It has been such a struggle living with this constant pain. Its hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to walk, hard to talk, hard to text, hard to read, hard to drink water, hard to stop crying, and hard to cry. haha nothing is easy and everything takes every ounce of my energy. I went to the doctor about two months ago and he basically told me that.. this might be a permanent thing.. and we have tried everything he can think of to try and manage the pain.. so there is nothing more he can do for me. As I got this news I had no idea how to react.. I felt so much peace though. the words going through my head were "there is always hope. its ok.. its ok." and from that point on I really felt God urging me to GET UP. to KEEP GOING. to FIGHT. and thats what I did. after about a week of being bed ridden from pain, I went to the ZOO with my lovely boyfriend! I hiked up and down hills for about 5 hours! about half way through the day I wanted to go home so badly because i was exhausted.. but I just prayed.. and I knew that God would not have brought me there if He wasnt going to get me through the whole day. So I surrendered to Him and just trusted in His strength to carry me and it DID!!! God is amazingly faithful! I couldnt help but tear up on the way home because through Jesus I CONQURED that day!!!! I felt like no mountian could ever stand in my way because my Savior MOVES those mountians! He is ENOUGH. hahaha I was so encouraged!!!! so then a couple weeks later.. i was still doing reallyyyy bad pain wise.. There was one point when i couldnt stop shaking and i couldnt be touched and I just was crying and hurting and felt so awful... but God is faithful!!! and a couple days later I was up and out of the house and going to church and working and ALL GLORY TO GOD because HE was my strength through everything!!! He was the reason that I was still stoked on life and in LOVE with Jesus!!!!! Thank You God for your grace!!!!! so THEN came last week.. I was tired and just wanted to sleep and knew i needed to keep fighting through the day but was just exahusted. so I took a minute to lay my head down on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed.. but when i went to stand up.. i hit my head on the top of the bunk bed. really hard. in the exact same spot as my initial injury. I immideately went and told my boyfriend becuse I was so scared I was going to pass out from either the pain or the fear of the pain that was going to come. I was so scared but at the same time God kept me so calm. and my boyfriend took such sweet care of me.. and i knew everything was going to be ok.. and that God had a plan. SO these past two weeks have been... the absolute worst pain of my life. my head hurts so bad to the touch that even the thought of washing my hair makes me nauseous. its even harder to sleep or even rest in any way at all.. and on top of all that I am so nauseous all the time. and most of the neausea is coming from the strong medication that Ive been taking when i absolutely can not function. so then when im feeling absolutely horrible.. i dont even want to take the medicine that eases my pain a little because i know its just going to make me more nauseous. it is such a fight and so hard... and i cry a lot. and i want to give up all the time.. and I feel like I need help to keep going. someone to push me and make me eat and make me take my meds and make me exercise and get outside! then last week I realized that I wanted to be a personal trainer... and help people get healthy!!! I wanted to be that person to help someone else when its hard to keep going. and I want to tell them they can do it!!!!! because I have seen God help me do it EVERY. DAY. it is such a beautiful thing to be able to encourage others to keep going!!! I see Jesus so much in this!!!! last week I was praying and asking the Holy Spirit to come and be my personal trainer and help me every day to eat healthy and exercise and read my bible and pray and just FIGHT. and for about a week now I have been exercising every day and forcing myself to eat and take my vitamins and spend that precious time with God and I feel SO MUCH STRONGER!!!!!! I am in the worst pain of my life but yet fighting like I never have before!!!! God is providing verses for me every day and encouragement through His word and others and providing JOY through this HARD time!!!!! I am so in love with jesus!!!! yesterday I was walking around and I realized that my legs are stronger.. so they just walked on their own!!!! hahaha it took so much less energy to walk around than when my body was so weak before!! Today I have been hurting so much that its been harder than ever to keep going. I cried through washing my hair... i cried through my work out... i cried through my breakfast.. hahaha and i cried through my time with Jesus. everything in me today was saying "give up and lay down..stop eating and rest.. stop reading your bible and sleep." but I PUSHED THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i DID IT ANYWAYS!!!! I almost passed out but I did it anyways!!! because I know that the holy spirit is INSIDE me and will do it for me!!! I am not strong but HE IS. He is ENOUGH!!!! and He deserves every ounce of energy I have and for the first time in my life I gave Him ALL of that energy!!!! not because I can but because GOD IS FULL OF MERCY AND GRACE!!!! I am His and I am here for NOTHING else but to honor HIM! I just want Him I just want Him I just want Him. and I know that without Him I am absolutely nothing. and I can do nothing without Him. it is through Him that I am getting up at all. ... so yeah.. this is whats been going on in my life!!! hahahaha and so much more too.. but relating to my pain and direction in life.. this is where its at. God is making me a FIGHTER. I will not give up!!! He is making me STRONGER! I am so in LOVE! hahaha I am SO AMAZED that God is giving me strength through this to get up. I am so amazed at His mercy and grace.. I am so amazed that I even have this story to tell.. and its a mess of a story.. full of crying and confusion and weakness.. but JESUS IS MY STRENGTH! he is teaching me how to discipline myself for the purpose of righteousness. not for here but for eternity. He is LOVE LOVE LOVE.. I cant get over it. hahaha if you think about it.. please be praying for me! I start school to become a fitness specialist in the fall and my pain is CrAzY. and its really hard.. like I said.. I cried all day. hahaha but i am STOKED to fight and stoked to see what God is going to do. He is so faithful and worthy to be waited on and worthy to be praised! thank You Jesus! <3

SUCH LOVE (the longest post ever. haha)

I am so amazed at the LOVE God has been pouring out on me lately.

It all started on good Friday... when God opened my eyes to how ungrateful I am for everything He has given me. I was praying a lot and asking God to give me direction for my life and telling Him that I wanted to know Him more and love Him more and more and more and more....

I was in church that day with three of the sweetest girls I will ever know in my life..(They have just RECENTLY come into my life and we have all been pouring out Gods love and spirit on one another like CRAZY! we were instant best friends and able to share anything and everything with each other and our prayers are always so full of tears of thankfulness for Gods amazing LOVE!) In church we were talking about how Jesus was murdered for us.. to save us.. and for the first time in a really long time this truth TOOK OVER MY HEART! and I was brought to tears of thankfulness... and as we all stood there, hand in hand, crying our hearts out, singing songs of thankfulness and praise, I realized HOW BLESSED WE ARE. Thank You God for surrounding me with people who LOVE YOU TO TEARS. I am so beyond blessed blessed blessed!!! thank You for saving my friends and my family and my boyfriend and my brothers and sisters in CHRIST!!!!! YOU ARE AN AMAZING GOD!!!! YOU are so GRACIOUS and LOVING and MERCIFUL. I could never deserve your love. I am so amazed..

I saw this quote and it said "what if the only things you had today... were the things you thanked God for yesterday." HIT ME SO HARD... I seriously would of had nothing the day I read that. This really impacted my heart and showed me that I am not being NEARLY as thankful as I should be! I asked God to open my eyes and make my heart thankful for EVERYTHING.. and I think I cried like the whole day just thanking God for everything He has given me. I NEVER ever ever ever ever have a reason to complain. If you feel down or stressed about something... just start thanking God for everything and everyone you have.. and I guarantee that it will change your whole day around.. because then you will see that OUR GOD IS GOOD. Even when things don't go the way we had hoped, He is still being GOOD and He is ALWAYS pouring out love on us!!!! ALWAYS. I am so amazed that I can't even breathe!!!!! I don't even know how to write the amazement that is in my heart!!! but I really want to encourage anyone who takes the time to read this to READ your bibles and SING praise songs and PRAY your heart out in thankfulness and tell God what you need. He is going to take care of you. He WILL show you how much He loves you.

In my time with God this week He has been really speaking to my heart... reading in a passage in Mark (middle of chapter 6 and beginning of chapter 8) about when He feeds the thousands of people, I just can't get over how He PROVIDES for their needs out of His COMPASSION for them. and He not only provides enough so that they are SATISFIED but He provides WAY MORE THAN THEY NEED.

God gives us more grace and mercy than needed. this is a big deal to me. Thank YOU GOD for Your beautiful LOVE. I just can not get over how You LOVE. it is amazing!! You are amazing!

another verse I cant get over is Mark 9:23 "If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes."

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH JESUS. seriously we have everything we will ever need in Him. I can take on this head pain and this life KNOWING FOR SURE that when I believe in the power of Jesus and in His love and strength to get me through things.. He will get me through them. don't even think.. just KNOW.. all things are possible. this reminds me of an interview I saw of Bethany Hamilton after the shark attack but before she started surfing again.. and the interviewer asked her "do you think you are ever going to surf again?" and she answers "I think?! I know.. I know I'm going to surf again" and SHE DID. because she believed in the word of the LORD.skdjfh;ashdlkjHSD hahahhaa I cant even get this out!!!!! it makes me so excited to know God more! and more and more and MORE. amazing. so amazing.

If I went into detail of all the ways God has been pouring out love on me this week, I would be writing for one hundred YEARS!!! but I wanted to share this LOVE, of Gods goodness to provide, in ACTION.

Last night I needed to study for my test this morning at school but my pain was at a 9 and I wanted to break down and cry... and I was getting so stressed out because I knew I didn't know even close to how much I needed to know... and it seemed impossible to study when I was hurting so much... nothing was going into my memory.. it was just in one ear and out the other. Then my sweet boyfriend reminded me "dont even think about it.. just believe and trust." Then He prayed for me right then and there and as SOON as he was done praying for my pain and my heart.. the pain went DOWN. from a 9 to a 7!!!!! We quickly grabbed my books and then CRAMMED for about three minutes till my pain went back up... i only went over a few things.. but I knew that God had me. I spent my morning praying that God would be with me and help me to remember what I needed to know to do well on the test.. but no matter what It was in His hands.

I had a lot of peace in my heart. As soon as I got to class I started talking to theses girls and we were going over a few of the things we didnt know.. and we were helping each other... a lot of the things we went over together I had completely forgotten about! Then the test started and immediately THE THINGS WE HAD JUST WENT OVER were on the test! God provided! all glory to HIM. Also on the test were every one of the VERY FEW things I had studied last night...God provided! all glory to HIM. I was so amazed at God for showing me exactly what I needed to know... I think I even said "thank You God" out loud a couple times in class. haha and THEN we were doing this one thing.. and I wasnt sure if I was doing it the right way or the wrong way... and I just prayed for God to remind me which way this thing went.. and right then the teacher said something that indicated that I was doing it RIGHT. my jaw dropped and I dropped my pencil on the ground!! I wanted to start crying!!!!! GOD PROVIDED!! ALL GLORY TO HIM!!!! I could feel His love pouring over me and taking over my heart! tears welled up in my eyes and I could not stop smiling!!! this test is something so small but the fact that God just showed me how much He loves me is HUGE!!

This is the God we have. HE IS ALWAYS GOOD. He ANSWERS PRAYERS. HE LOVES US. He loves us. He loves us He loves us... because of Jesus... because of mercy. wow God. I am blown away. You are everything..

You are everything.

Thank You.

I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength

I am so thankful for Bethany Hamilton today... I feel like God made me love the ocean so that I would go see her documentary when I was 14, That night completely changed my life. That is the night that I asked God to take my life and use me for His glory... because of the way she loves Him. She has always impacted me so much. when I read her book or watch her movie or documentary, I feel ON FIRE to live for God.. no matter what.

When I first hit my head I would watch her documentary every time I started feeling down about what happen to me... and God would always open my eyes to NEW things about Him through Bethany's life. I am so thankful for that girl. so thankful.

Today my shoulder has been hurting so much, from an injury last month, that I couldn't even use my arm for anything. I was cutting fruit by holding it with my feet and I was struggling to do a lot of things! haha THEN I decided to watch Soul Surfer,because I knew it would cheer me up, and I have NEVER cried so hard through a movie in my life... and Ive seen soul surfer at least 15 times already!!!! but today it impacted me SO HARD.

I was crying to the point where I couldn't breathe and I couldn't even figure out exactly what was impacting me... I prayed and asked God to show me why it was impacting me so much.. Then the part came on when she caught her first wave with one arm and I realized... I am crying because I am thankful that THAT is the way God works. He takes the horrible things and makes them AMAZING. I started praying out loud and telling God "THAT is who You are God!!! That is who You are!!!! You work all things together for GOOD and you have a plan to give me a future and a HOPE!!!!" He is going to use this pain in my life for something GOOD. I know that I can trust that He will. <3

GOD KNOWS. I am so thankful today that He knows!!!!! It has been so hard to hurt all the time.. it never gets easier and It is always getting harder... BUT GOD IS ALWAYS DRAWING ME CLOSER TO HIM THROUGH IT. He is so faithful.. I am never alone in this pain. God gives me so much hope! I have been prayng and asking God why I still have this pain...and He just shows me HOW AWESOME HE IS. hahaha I can't even explain it. I DO NOT HAVE A HANDICAP!!!!! no way... and you know why?? because my God is greater.. and through Him I can do all things. it does not matter how I am feeling... He is stronger and through Him I CAN DO ALL THINGS. nothing is impossible with God... He is so good.. even when there are no answers and when all seems lost and when I am hurting to the point of tears and brokenness... He is still taking care of me. and He is a solid rock that will never be shaken! Ever.

Today I am in so much pain and so broken but SO ON FIRE and SO STOKED to see what God has planned for me.

Take my life, Lord!!! I will still love You!! even to DEATH I will still love You!! <333

Joni

I don't even have words... I only have tears and thankfulness for this story. just wow.
http://www.assistnews.net/stories/2012/s12020108.htm

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

" 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

What Do I Know of Holy

God is so much more... SO much more than I will ever know. <3 I need, You, Father. I want You and only You. only You.

Such GRACE...

No matter what happens with my pain, my heart is still His and I will never give up running this race! Jesus bought me and I will live for Him, even through pain and suffering. especially through pain and suffering! I trust that God will do great things. This is the best possible thing that could be happening right now. I am so amazed at the Grace God has on me. so amazed.

God is so awesome.

This week I stared college.

I have definitely been putting it off because of my head pain. I mean, sometimes I can't even eat or walk or breathe... and now I am going to school... trusting God every second of the way!! haha I find myself praying SO MUCH, about everything. The teacher will tell us something that we need to do and I fear that I won't be able to do it because of my pain... and so I pray, and God brings such a PEACE to my heart!!!

I can not do this without Him. I can not do ANYTHING without Him.

I pray before school too, that God would use me as a light there and that this pain would not distract me from loving others! I pray that God would open my eyes to ways I can serve Him and He DOES! It is so amazing to me!!! hahaha First day of class one of the students didn't have anywhere to sit.. and I felt it on my heart to give her my seat,(even though it would mean I would be sitting on the floor for three hours and that would probably make my head worse.)I knew that GOD was putting that thought into my heart and I knew that if my head got worse, He would still be enough for me.. and so I jumped out in faith and offered her my chair... I wish you could have seen her face. hahaha she was so shocked that she didn't even know what to say to me. Then she kinda gave me a look that said "no, that is not something people ask/you must be new here." and I smiled and turned away, and really, it hurts my heart that kindness gets that reaction. Like it is so abnormal! This poor world is so lost... So I prayed more.. and more.. and more.. please God open their eyes.

Also on the first day we got paired up and had to get to know each other. I had the opportunity to share about my nerve damage so I took it! and I told the boy who was my partner that I loved Jesus! hahaha and he laughed and smiled and wanted to know more. I was so thankful! I was preparing to stand up for what I believe and instead he was interested, and stoked for me that that was my reason for still being so happy. I could have, and should have, been completely and totally shot down because of that but God is just being so good to me and so gracious!!!!

Second day of class I got paired up with a woman and we were just helping each other with finger spelling(I'm taking sign language)and after class we were both in line to talk to the teacher. She was right before me and she asked the teacher "what is the sign for 'sparkle'??" and the teacher said "well that depends, what is sparkling?" and the woman turned around and pointed at me and, in front of half the class who was left in the classroom, she said "I have never seen anyone shine so bright!". I turned bright red and covered my face and I heard people laughing and saying "seriously." and "shes the sweetest!"

people wanted to know my name.. and have my phone number.. even though I had made it clear that I love Jesus.

THANK YOU, GOD. this makes me cry tears of humility. this is not me, God, this is You.

I seriously am so blown away by this. and by these answers to prayers. That I might shine for Him, that I might get through class without having to leave cause of head pain, that I might see who needs love. thank You, God. Such love!! such loveee!!!! This is NOT ME. this is all Him... I feel so unworthy to be used by Him. I am broken! haha my head doesn't work and my ears don't work and I am a filthy sinner... and yet He is using me to bring Him glory.. and its not just through random things either.. its through my brokenness. WOW. He loves me anyway. because of Jesus! its all because of His grace! What a savior!!! what a lovely, BEAUTIFUL, Good, God.

I am overwhelmingly blessed by seeing His glory this week through going to school!!! I have NO IDEA what the rest of the year holds but I am stoked to find out. and I am stoked to keep praying.

This is all about You, God! please make it all about You. please be my everything! I just want Your name lifted high. <333

Jesus is enough!

This week I memorized 1 Peter 1:6-7

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little wile, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, will be able to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ!"


I have learned so much by meditating on this. God has really made me REJOICE in trials though this verse. He's like "Be thankful, dear one, that I'm putting your faith through fire, so that it will result in praise and glory and honor, instead of putting YOU into fire for eternity."
haha.. I just SEE how much I need Him in these trials. not even just how much I need Him to get me through it but I need Him because I CAN'T do anything good of my own.. and through these trials I see my need for Him and it strengthens my faith and so I REJOICE in Him, and in Him alone.

Its been really hard lately going through this pain. Last week I got sick and every morning when I woke up my pain was so intense that I couldn't even breathe. I remember the first morning that it had happen and I was hurting so much that I didn't even know what to do! I knew I needed help though so I was trying to get to my moms room (which is the door directly across the hall from mine) and it took me ten minutes because I couldn't walk.. I had to stop when I got to my bedroom door and fall on the floor and just pray "please, God, just get me to her room." then again in the middle of the hall "Please, God, just get me to her room!" then He GOT ME THERE!!! and my mom pulled me into her bed and got a cold washcloth to put on my head and some heavy pain meds and I was just crying my eyes out hurting so much and couldn't even breathe and my mom and dad were just praying for me until my meds kicked in and I could just sleep all day.

It was the scariest thing of my life...
...until the next day, when I woke up and I instantly had horrible pain and couldn't breathe and I grabbed the meds my mom had put on my dresser and took ALL OF THEM. I wasn't even thinking, so I didn't realize that I accidentally overdosed, until I was telling my sister to get my mom and tell her that I took "this, this, and this" and my heart dropped to the floor as I realized that I wasn't supposed to do that!! The meds kicked in and the wholeeeee day I could not get out of bed because of how drugged I was. I couldn't even move a limb of my body!! my mom and sister just kept giving me water to drink to wash it out of my system.

THAT was the scariest thing of my life...
...until the NEXT day, when I woke at 4am to a nightmare and then realized that the pain I was feeling in my nightmare was REAL and I immediately got out of my bed to get help before it got any worse!!! The pain was the most intense of my life and I couldn't breathe at all. I had got to where my sister was and she was giving me my meds and I was thinking "keep calm..just keep calm and don't cry..God is with you and He is FOR you!!! He will Get you though this!!! God please get me through this... please, God, get me through this.. get me through this." My sister got a cold rag for my head and I was laying face down and just burst into tears of pain "please, God, be with me, get me through this or take my life!!! please, get me through this... make it stop... help me, please." I felt sick to my stomach and I was just screaming into the pillow in SO MUCH PAIN. I asked my sister for something to bite down on because it was so intense and she just took my hand and told me to squeeze it, then she prayed for me through tears of compassion. my mom was with us too and she was also praying. and GOD GOT ME THROUGH IT!!!!! The meds kicked in and I could breathe!! I could just sleep all dayy. God is so awesome. throughout the day I would just cry tears of thankfulness for His faithfulness!! I don't deserve such LOVE FROM HIM. He is everything to me. absolutely everything.

I realize that I feel like I'm missing out of things sometimes... not being able to eat certain things, run, walk around the mall, go in the pool or the ocean, bike ride, skateboard, push a little girl on the swings at my church, go to bible studies or parties, go to work, call a friend, talk to anyone.. the list goes on and on how how debilitating this pain has been... but God has blessed me so much through His word and let me remember that this is only going to be for a little while. Then in heaven I can have all the sugar I WANT! and I'm going to be doing things that are way more enjoyable than all of the things here on earth that this world says make life awesome! and that's just the thing.. the world is the one who says that doing all of those things are what make life enjoyable and fun! But let me tell you something I have learned: JESUS IS ENOUGH.

He has let my heart be completely satisfied in Him, because of the cross, because of His love. When I was in pain for hours and hours all those mornings, I just kept thinking about how Jesus has been through way worse.. and that made me cry more than the pain. Because, Jesus is awesome... I have SEEN His love through the scripture and through this life and I have fallen in love with Him! The thought of someone WHO HAS LOVED YOU, BEFORE YOU KNEW THEM, WHEN YOU DIDN'T DESERVE IT, going through more pain than you can even imagine,(although I got a glimpse) should break and CHANGE your heart. and thank God that it has completely changed mine. Thank you, God. thank You, Jesus. If this pain is what I have to go through to SEE that and to help OTHERS SEE THAT, then bring it on. bring. it. on! hahaha

I have no reason to complain. ever. no matter what. HE IS ENOUGH. He is lalalalovee!!!!

God's love is truly amazing. and I am thankful. I'm thankful that He is dragging my faith through fire so that it will be strong in Him. and so that I will see His love for me, and be able to love Him more, and SHARE that love with others. I love you guys!! and I hope you know how much of a loser I am!! hahaha Jesus is ANYTHING and EVERYTHING good in me that might encourage you at all! I just love Him so much!! Through my inadequacy!! hahaha!

It's not about being strong through trials!!! hahaha ahh!! its about falling apart in them, and seeing that you can't do it, and letting God take control of your life and make it into something BEAUTIFUL. Its about looking to the cross through them and finding that Jesus has conquered ALL. He brings THE HOPE OF GLORY in every situation... thank You , God!! I am so lameeee!!! hahahaha I need You!!! and YOUR awesomeness!!! <3

I have no idea how long this pain will last, how bad it will be every day when I wake up, or how many more things here on earth I will "miss out on". but one thing I DO know is that because God has chosen to LOVE me and Jesus has taken my place on the cross, HE is my hope of gory, and because of that my home is in heaven... and this life is only temporary, and THIS PAIN, is only temporary, and God is going to USE IT to bring me, and others, to Him. Hallelujah!!

Wait on Him. Even if you aren't out of the fire yet(like me), just wait on Him and rest in His love and He will be ENOUGH. <3333

1 Timothy 1:14

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."

THIS STILL STANDS. even through the pain. God YOUR LOVE is amazing. <33 thank You thank You thank You.

Jessica McLean's music page!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jessica-McLean/327126627317946?sk=wall&filter=2

Jessica McLean has a music page now. Super stoked! Please show her some support and like her page! God has used her music to get me through SO MANY hard times in my life. She is so encouraging and I just want to pray right now that, God, would you please bless her abundantly in whatever You have next for her. In Jesus name amen. <3

With EVERYTHING.

So lately, my pain has been more relentless than ever. Usually in the past it would calm down enough for me to have energy sometimes. I would still be in killer pain but I could laugh and dance and talk and smile and sing and stand up and eat without feeling like I was going to just die. but now... my pain is at a point where I'm not able to so easily do all of those things. and when I try to I end up being very discouraged because it is so difficult for me. and then something in my heart breaks... because I wish that I could just live normally. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME RIGHT NOW. and I need to be ok with that.

It has been such a fight! a fight for my life!
I really didn't come here to complain though. I just want whoever reads this to know my heart.

The other day I couldn't listen to worship music because it increased my pain too much. so I just read the lyrics. and was encouraged.
GOD IS GOOD.

The other day I couldn't sing at all (the day before i was supposed to lead worship for my church)because it increased my pain too much. Then Sunday came and I was able to sing. I couldn't even get through ONE SONG without breaking into tears at the fact that I was able to SING to my SAVIOR without throwing up or fainting.
GOD IS GOOD.

The other day I had to get a sub for all my dance classes because going would increase my pain too much (and I have certainly learned my lesson n this one because I tried to go anyways not once, but TWICE, and both times I ended up in the hospital. haha) Then I was thinking about how I might have to quit my job...my DREAM job. Im not sure if this is what God has for me right now. but I will keep trying as long as He is giving me the strength. God HAVE YOUR WAY. I will follow You. I trust You. I know You will provide.
GOD IS GOOD.

The other day I started waking up earlier than normal, with a few other girls who love Jesus, so that we could spend more time with Him. I did it for one day and was ENCOURAGED BEYOND BELIEF by that extra time with Him. then I went to the doctor and He didn't know what to do for my head pain or my ear pain. he was stumped. so he decided to put me on sedatives at night so that I would be put out and able to sleep and see if that helps.. which means I wont be waking up early... This heart ache felt like a drop on a roller coaster. my heart was in my stomach. and I cried.
but GOD IS STILL GOOD.

It is so difficult to be content in these things. and these are just a very small FEW of what goes on in my every day life. As of right now I am dreading washing my hair because of how much it is going to hurt... BUT GOD HAS ME. He knows what He is doing and I WILL STILL LOVE HIM. My friend showed me this song by hillsong called "with everything" and I wanted to cry so hard because I was thinking "I cant even sing! I cant dance for Him! I am too weak to even be able to listen to it!" and this isn't the first time I couldn't bear listening to worship because it killed my heard, or sit through church because it killed my head. THIS IS THE AREA WHERE IT IS THE HARDEST. because I feel like it is what I need the most. I always just think "trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding." and "do not look and what you can see but instead look at what you CAN'T SEE." anyways though, then I realized that, in the song, it says "with everything" with everything that He has given me. and right now He isn't giving me the ability to praise Him and serve Him in the ways I think I need to.. but He is faithful. and He is teaching me how to praise Him and serve Him in different ways. and you know what? that is enough for me. because I know that ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM MORE PRAISE THAN I CAN IMAGINE!!!!!!!! when I am healed I will NEVER HOLD BACK!!!! Every ounce of my being I will use to worship Him!!!! I want so badly to push through this pain and just sing at the top of my lungs and go hang out with people who are hurting and in need! but right now it will be enough just to IMAGINE heaven. and thank God with ALL OF MY HEART SOUL MIND AND STRENGTH that He has had MERCY on me!! hallelujah!!

Guys, I really want to encourage you to give God praise with everything. If you can sing and dance to a worship song, then do it. If you have 20 minutes of free time, instead of going on the computer or T.V., please go serve and love on someone.

WITH EVERYTHING, guys. with everything. <3 this post is all over the place but I just needed to get this all out.

I LOVE JESUS!!! He answers prayers and He is beautiful and good and perfect in all His ways and He is with us and He will never leave and my OWN understanding is so LAME but He knows everything and He is GLORIOUS!

- 1 Peter 4:8

"And above all things, have a fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins."

Weakness For Strength

LOVE THIS