My cup overflows

Every time I come to write a post I always have no idea where to even begin. There is so much I could say! Lord, please give me the words! 

In my last post I was so worried about how my wisdom teeth surgery would effect my head pain. The Lord was SO GRACIOUS!! It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be! BUT it was still pretty awful. I just remember trying so hard not to cry (because the recovery paper told me not to) as I was forcing mashed up food down my throat, but tears were just falling out of my eyes. So much discomfort and pain. And on top of that I looked like a chipmunk from the swelling hahahah!! But as I look back it was all over with so fast. So fast. Thank You God.

Life resumed as usual, nerve pain, dance teaching, Jesus.. every day with its own battles. But so full of Joy in Him. The dance recitals went amazing and I was so proud of all my students! So thankful for that season! 

Only a month or two after I had recovered from my surgery I started to notice all my lymph nodes were very swollen, especially under my arms, and all my energy was drained. Then a rash broke out on my legs so we decided to go in to see the doctor. Something we though would be so easy actually turned into stressful chaos. I ended up seeing four different doctors who all had a different diagnosis for me. I got some medicine for what they thought was a staph infection, and then a shot, and then blood tests, an X-ray of my chest, was told I had pneumonia , and that I was anemic... Haha it was just crazy and I was feeling so miserable from whatever it was. Had to get doctors notes for work and was bed ridden... again.  it turns out that it was just a bacterial infection caused from shaving... Haha I don't even have a comment for that.  Like..really?! Hahaha ugh it was so annoying it would go away and come back and go away and come back and just was relentless. The stress of it all made my head pain so much worse. I was just praying so so so much for my body to recover and get healthy. This has been such a trying year so far.. Just learning to trust God even in the craziness and randomness of these illnesses. And to press on in spite of them. Doing my best to take care of myself and praying for the strength to take on what He was asking me to. He Is so faithful and loving and worthy to be trusted!! Even through all the tears and fear, He was with me. He was holding my heart and comforting me every second. 

While this infection was still going on, and I was so weary of feeling so dead from sickness, I got strep throat... It was horrible. At a time when I thought it couldn't get any worse. In a week it cleared up and then two weeks later I got an infection from having strep called strep pharyngitis. It was way worse than the strep. Haha and then NOW, two weeks later, My doctor thinks that I have mono! I am so weak that its hard to even type this. and any normal task, like drinking tea or brushing my teeth or getting dressed, is ten times harder than it should be simply because my body just does not have the energy for it. i have been running a fever and breaking out in hives and just so so weak and in pain. 

I have kicked recovery mode into overdrive. I have gone completely off of gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, and caffeine (besides green tea) I have been taking a really expensive probiotic that I have to keep in the fridge (that my amazingly thoughtful boyfriend bought me), I have two cups of green tea a day with a tbs of coconut oil in each and then also a herbal tea with echinacea, every morning I take a multivitamin along with taking iron, magnesium, omega 3, primrose oil,  nerve support, and vitamin C, And I also drink 3tbs of noni juice. I juice fruit and veggies when I can but always get loads of them in me every day even when I can't, I make sure to get sunshine, exercise, and lots of rest, and just try to stay positive and joyful. Oh yeah and LOTS OF PRAYER... I need all the prayer I can get. It's hard to stay positive when I have no energy and I am in tons of pain.. But God is with me and He will be my strength!

yeah this is a true story guys.. These things really happen. Life is going to hit you so hard, and if your foundation is not The Lord, you will feel so helpless. He is the only thing that lasts through the storm. He is a foundation that you will be able to stand  firm upon. He will protect your heart and give you sanity in the chaos! I need Him so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. He is... Everything. Just, everything. 

For the past month my boyfriend and I have been preparing with a core group to plant a church In Irvine. This could not have come at a more perfect timing. Gods mercy and grace and love have been truly overwhelming!!! Even just through the little things He is SO FAITHFUL. I don't even know how to capture the beauty of this in words! He is so good so so good to His children and He pours out blessings to those who long to give Him glory! Really REALLY excited for what He is doing and so stoked to see HIS plans unfold!  

My cup overflows. Even through all this pain and sickness He is filling me up with Him and I am forever grateful for this LOVE!! So thankful for every person who is praying for me to feel better and for every encouraging word! I need it more than I can say!! Just remember that He's got you... No matter what the circumstance there is always LOVE and JOY to be found in Him, and that will be enough. <333 

Be Still

This week has been crazy...

 but God is so faithful. He has gotten me this far and I know He will continue to take care of me!!! lately I have been getting so restless. I am so tired of being stuck in the house!! and everything in me wants to go to work and teach my girlies. I miss them! I think that has been one of the hardest parts about this pain, just not being able to work. but giving it to God and HE HAS THIS. I am so exhausted all the time still too so please be praying that when I go back to work next week I will have the energy and strength!! Even right now I can barely keep my eyes open.. But I felt God pulling my heart to post and give an update, I am praying for the words.

He has been holding my heart so close. So many times I've cried and He always holds me in those moments. I am never alone. He will never leave me. Thank You Jesus.

I started physical therapy yesterday and it went really well! Although it hurt to stretch and strengthen my muscles, I was so encouraged to be getting some help. She said that I should recover quickly and I am so stoked about that! God is so good! He has an awesome plan for all of this! I just know it.

I was also able to get out of the house yesterday and today and go to the BEACH! Oh my HEART this cheered me up so much!!!! My amazing boyfriend took me there and took care of me the whole time. I am so thankful for this! Thank You so much Father! You are beautiful LOVE! and you know what I need. thank You thank You thank You.

I seriously can not do this without Him. He is my everything in every moment. He is the joy when everything looks so dark. I am so thankful for Jesus. more and more I want to be like Him every day and I am really understanding that HE IS MY BEST FRIEND. He is the only one who can truly understand where my heart is and what I am going through. He is the only One who can change me. and that is what I need the MOST. more than healing and more than peace I need my heart to be changed! To stop living for myself and live for HIM ALONE. He is so worthy!!!! I am so blessed!!! This is amazing GRACE!

I am honestly so scared to have my surgery tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth out. I've been trying not to think about it, but when I do I get really sick. BUT HE KNOWS. I have no reason to doubt that He will come through and HOLD me in every second of this. I have been through so many treatments in the past for my head. The worst one that I can think of was when I got about 10 shots in the back of my head without any kind of pain killer. I just laid there with my face in a pillow crying my eyes out. but God was with me. I could feel Him just holding me and I knew He was going to take care of me... most of my treatments have been like that.. I'm always so scared but then I just pray and He shows me that He has been there the whole time already... and even if that was the only purpose of the treatment... that is enough for me..
So even though I am scared right now I can remember that HE IS MY ROCK and HE WILL COME THROUGH.

I have some rocks in a jar on my dresser.. and they have dates on them so that I can remember when God has gotten me through a hard time and let me LIVE life to the fullest because of His love... ebenezers in a sense... and I know that after this surgery, I will have another stone to place in that jar. because THAT IS MY GOD. THAT IS HOW HE WORKS. I am so obsessed with God. just who He is. ahhh! makes me want to cry. He is really teaching me to be still and KNOW that He is God. He is in control and I don't have to be. I just need to let go and He will take care of everything!!! ahhh! haha it is so hard but I need to remember this more and more and more.. and I also need to remember that resting is ok!!! Its actually ENCOURAGED. hahaha

OH How I need You, Father! You are my only Hope! I am so thankful for Your love! I rejoice in Your constant care and love! There is nothing sweeter on this earth than knowing You this intimately!

I am Yours, God. No matter what the outcome. I am Yours. <333 nbsp="" p="">
Thank You so much for all the prayers and support! It has encouraged my heart so much!!!! I hope you guys know that you are storing up so many treasures in heaven for the love that you pour out on me! It is truly from God. so thankful.. so so thankful.

Be My Everything

SO...
 Last week I was in a really bad car accident on the freeway at night. I was driving and the only one in the car, thank God. My injuries are minor, and my car is totaled. I'm really not worried about not having a car though, God is really giving me peace in that area. I am so thankful that He was with me and kept me alive... it makes my eyes full of tears to even think about His grace in that moment. HE IS HERE. He has a plan. HE IS FAITHFUL.

I came out with bruising all over my face and on my chest, and also some whiplash which resulted in migraines. I feel like for a normal person this might not be so bad... but for me.. it has caused me so much pain. I thought the back pain was bad.. HA! hahahha not even close to this. I am constantly shaking from pain and unable to do anything. Even eating and breathing has been such a struggle. I am so exhausted at every second. I sleep for maybe three hours during the night and then I wake up to excruciating pain in my head and neck and chest. I force myself to read my bible before I get out of bed though... and then I take a hot bath to try and soothe the pain... but it only helps a little, and as soon as I'm out and dry, the pain is even higher than the moment I woke up. And all I can do is focus on the essentials.. eating and breathing.. and TRUSTING that God has me.. and that He has a plan for this.

I have been reading Bethany Hamilton's book "Soul Surfer" (shocker right? ;) ), Joni Earekson Tada's book "A Place Of Healing", and Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost For His Highest" and I know that God has been using these people to keep my heart at peace and encouraged!!! I have just been exploding with joy in my heart and SO STOKED to see what God has through all of this...and just remembering that He is making me stronger, and more like Jesus.. I don't even have words for this kind of peace and joy. ITS ALL FROM GOD. He is seriously guarding my heart. I HAVE been crying every day from pain though.. and it IS the hardest thing I have ever faced.. but I know He is here. and that He is not going to leave me. and that is enough.. I cant even explain it... Jesus is enough.

I had a check up at the doctor today to get some more help (last week the doctor had to wait a week to do anything to help me), and I can't ever remember being so excited to go to the doctor. I have been in so much pain today.. my body is just NOT working.. it honestly makes me cry to even talk about.. because it's hard. I really want to be that girl in her 20's who runs on the beach and that wife who has energy to give endless love to her husband and that mom who plays tag, and make believe, with her children..
 It looks so far away... unreachable. because today I'm this girl who is shaking from pain. and it takes ALL the energy for the day just to take a bath in the morning. and I cry all the time. I can't take care of myself. I'm not strong enough... BUT I KNOW HE IS. I know if those good desires are what God has for me that He will be the source of that energy and strength and love. and I TRUST that His plans for my life are so much better than any of my dreams!!! He is making me stronger... He is making me a fighter. My body is giving up on me completely.. BUT MY GOD HAS NOT LET ME GO.

It hit me so hard on the way home today that Jesus desires for me to be out of this pain, for me not to be sad about it.. or sad about the way my body is working. He cries with me.. and He has COMPASSION on me. It touched my heart to the point of tears!! HE IS SO SWEET. I cant even comprehend it!

I want Him to be my everything.. and I am going to take care of my body FOR HIM. Not for myself and not for my desires and not for my plans!!! If I lose my job then He has me in His hands! If I can never play with my children then He has me in His hands! if I completely waste away on this earth and even DIE then HE HAS ME IN HIS HANDS!! I need not to worry about anything at all. My body is HIS and my life is HIS and I just want to live every second for HIM. not for myself. I trust with all my heart that He is going to take care of me. no matter what.

and I trust that He will heal me. That He already has.

As I go through this journey the next couple of weeks I really want to keep this blog updated... so whoever reads it will know of His faithfulness and great big LOVE! I have physical therapy three times a week for two weeks and I am also going to do whatever else I am allowed to do to bring health upon my body and to bring JESUS to #1 in my life!!!!! I am determined to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! and I am going to fail every day!!!!!!!! But Jesus is enough!!! He never fails! ahhhh!

I also get all four of my wisdom teeth pulled next week. Right now I am skin and bones, absolutely no muscle. It worries me a little to think this is coming so soon. I desperately want to feel better and for my body to be stronger. but GOD KNOWS AND HE HAS THIS PLANNED FOR A REASON.

so JUST to recap, that's: Nerve damage in my head, car accident ailments (which include: not able to work, no car, and PAIN on top of pain), and getting surgery in a week that entails me not being able to eat when I have already not been able to eat. oh yeah, and more pain. But I know God has this. He is holding my heart so close and I just want everyone out there to know of His love and the joy and strength and PURPOSE He gives through these trials. Nothing we go through is ever wasted. how could I be so blessed? Abba, You, are so GOOD TO ME. so good to us. I am blown away.

Thank you for all the support and prayers. Especially to my family and boyfriend, you guys have been amazing love and beautiful servants of Jesus to me! <333>

You make beautiful things out of the dust, Lord... I trust that You will make this pain beautiful in my life. I ask for healing, but even more I ask that You would make Yourself KNOWN through all of this. That Your Glory would SHINE. 

Be set free

God is so good.

I don't even know where to start for this post! praying that God leads it so that you might know His goodness even deeper.

With all the dancing I had been doing, my nerve damage was feeling a little better!!!! I don't know if it was the exercise or WHAT but it definitely helped me to dance my heart out for JESUS! I was still in a lot of pain and having good days and bad days but the bad days were less than the good ones, which is a miracle.

Right at the end of the year, when we were dancing our Christmas shows, my back was starting to bother me with pain. Just felt sore and like my bones needed some time off! So after the shows I took a break for Christmas and it started to feel better! But then I was a work, on the last day of the year, and all of the sudden my back hurt so badly that I could hardly stand! I thought I was going to pass out or throw up! I can handle heavy pain but this was super immobilizing! I went home immediately and couldn't even walk. I brought in the new year bed-ridden on the couch and unable to move without killing myself from pain! The next day we went to the chiropractor and he took an ex-ray and told me that a vertebrae in my lower back had slipped backwards out of place and THAT'S what was causing all the pain. So I started getting treatments and in a week I was able to walk. but I would have these horrible flair ups where I couldn't move and I would seriously cry like a baby!!! I am used to being uncomfortable but this was a whole new level because I was dealing with horrible head pain AND back pain! the break from dance definitely made my head a lot worse and it was so hard to breathe... so hard to breathe..

this has gone on for a little over a month now and I have had to get substitute teachers for all my classes and about two weeks ago I had to drop out of my dance classes that I was taking. I had been missing week after week and had to let them know that I wouldn't be coming back. This was so hard for me, I can't even tell you how much I was crying. I had to FIGHT to STOP FIGHTING. a concept I never thought I would face. with my head pain I could still do some things some times. but with my back pain I could not physically do it. and so mentally I was a MESS. I wanted so badly to push through it and keep going and keep teaching and keep dancing but I knew that God was shutting the door and saying no.

I feared so much that I would get fired from my job and I realized that... I am holding on to this world way to tightly. so I simply let go. of everything. and just gave it to GOD because HE KNOWS and He is taking care of me! and He is with me every step of the way and HE HAS A PLAN and a will far greater than anything I could comprehend! He is so utterly amazing and I am in such desperate need for Him to be FIRST in my life!!!! my goodness He knows exactly what to take away so that I might see my need for Him and turn to Him for everything my heart longs for. and as soon as I saw that, nothing else mattered. It didnt matter if I lost my job or if I couldnt dance or if I would never walk again because in Jesus I have a purpose!!! and that is to LOVE WITHOUT HOLDING BACK. and I trust God that He will put me right where he wants me and I know that right now He just wants me at HIS FEET. soaking up His goodness and Love and LIGHT. I can not get enough of Him and I can not do anything on my own!

I have been able to keep my job. God is so gracious. I can't do everything that I once could do but The Lord is letting me teach still and I am so thankful! He answers prayers and He is full of HOPE. But even though I know all this it has still been so hard lately.. I find myself BEGGING God to heal me.. to please give me relief if even for one hour. I want to live life to the fullest and to be able to run around at the beach and ride my bike and do cartweels and just have be my dorky self! and to one day be a wife and a mother who has energy and strength!!!! ahh! how I long for that! as I was thinking these things God put song lyrics on my heart... "I found a love, greater than life itself." and I realized what this meant... that GODS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE. who cares if I can run and jump and sing and dance and have energy to clean and cook and alllll thattttttttt!!!!! I have come to know the LOVE of GOD and that surpasses everything!!!!!!! and THROUGH His love I am able to have that strength and endless joy that could only come from Him. He is my number one. my Best Friend. my only Hope.

I just want every ounce of my energy to be used for Him. I want to know Him more and rest in Him more and cling to Him MORE. I need to need Him more!!!! I am so stoked to surrender my life to Him!!! take it all God!!! The enemy can try to steal my joy but YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF IT and NOTHING CAN TOUCH YOU. I feel so safe!!!! praying the other night that God would come meet with me in my prayer time and I felt Him just holding me... holding me close. He encountered me with His love and I want to love others like that! it is moving my heart to beat only for Him! and to love others selflessly! I am not going to be able to do that though!! please Jesus do it through me!!!

 I feel so humbled. I AM BROKEN and God is still using me for His glory. I do not deserve this love. He is endless, boundless, beautiful, satisfying, LOVE. I am so gone for Him. If you don't understand why God has you where He has you.. just look to Jesus. He wants to be your best friend... you can talk to Him about anything. pour out your heart before Him. He loves YOU. He will blow your socks off and show you that He is enough and you do not have to be! That He is in control and you do not have to be! That He will fill your soul up even in these dry times! and that He has a plan for you. because He cares for you.

He is the only one who can make your life make sense, and not only make sense, but be absolutely filled with purpose.

I sit here in excruciating pain that will not relent. My head from nerve damage, my back from a dislocated vertebrae, and my ears and teeth from TMJ and my wisdom teeth growing in, but I feel such a pull on my heart to let whoever reads this know that He is still good and He is still with me.. and its going to be ok.. I feel so desperate to let you know that it is going to be ok.

whatever you are going through remember this: Jesus has overcome. He has saved you. rest in Him and BE SET FREE.