With EVERYTHING.

So lately, my pain has been more relentless than ever. Usually in the past it would calm down enough for me to have energy sometimes. I would still be in killer pain but I could laugh and dance and talk and smile and sing and stand up and eat without feeling like I was going to just die. but now... my pain is at a point where I'm not able to so easily do all of those things. and when I try to I end up being very discouraged because it is so difficult for me. and then something in my heart breaks... because I wish that I could just live normally. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME RIGHT NOW. and I need to be ok with that.

It has been such a fight! a fight for my life!
I really didn't come here to complain though. I just want whoever reads this to know my heart.

The other day I couldn't listen to worship music because it increased my pain too much. so I just read the lyrics. and was encouraged.
GOD IS GOOD.

The other day I couldn't sing at all (the day before i was supposed to lead worship for my church)because it increased my pain too much. Then Sunday came and I was able to sing. I couldn't even get through ONE SONG without breaking into tears at the fact that I was able to SING to my SAVIOR without throwing up or fainting.
GOD IS GOOD.

The other day I had to get a sub for all my dance classes because going would increase my pain too much (and I have certainly learned my lesson n this one because I tried to go anyways not once, but TWICE, and both times I ended up in the hospital. haha) Then I was thinking about how I might have to quit my job...my DREAM job. Im not sure if this is what God has for me right now. but I will keep trying as long as He is giving me the strength. God HAVE YOUR WAY. I will follow You. I trust You. I know You will provide.
GOD IS GOOD.

The other day I started waking up earlier than normal, with a few other girls who love Jesus, so that we could spend more time with Him. I did it for one day and was ENCOURAGED BEYOND BELIEF by that extra time with Him. then I went to the doctor and He didn't know what to do for my head pain or my ear pain. he was stumped. so he decided to put me on sedatives at night so that I would be put out and able to sleep and see if that helps.. which means I wont be waking up early... This heart ache felt like a drop on a roller coaster. my heart was in my stomach. and I cried.
but GOD IS STILL GOOD.

It is so difficult to be content in these things. and these are just a very small FEW of what goes on in my every day life. As of right now I am dreading washing my hair because of how much it is going to hurt... BUT GOD HAS ME. He knows what He is doing and I WILL STILL LOVE HIM. My friend showed me this song by hillsong called "with everything" and I wanted to cry so hard because I was thinking "I cant even sing! I cant dance for Him! I am too weak to even be able to listen to it!" and this isn't the first time I couldn't bear listening to worship because it killed my heard, or sit through church because it killed my head. THIS IS THE AREA WHERE IT IS THE HARDEST. because I feel like it is what I need the most. I always just think "trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding." and "do not look and what you can see but instead look at what you CAN'T SEE." anyways though, then I realized that, in the song, it says "with everything" with everything that He has given me. and right now He isn't giving me the ability to praise Him and serve Him in the ways I think I need to.. but He is faithful. and He is teaching me how to praise Him and serve Him in different ways. and you know what? that is enough for me. because I know that ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM MORE PRAISE THAN I CAN IMAGINE!!!!!!!! when I am healed I will NEVER HOLD BACK!!!! Every ounce of my being I will use to worship Him!!!! I want so badly to push through this pain and just sing at the top of my lungs and go hang out with people who are hurting and in need! but right now it will be enough just to IMAGINE heaven. and thank God with ALL OF MY HEART SOUL MIND AND STRENGTH that He has had MERCY on me!! hallelujah!!

Guys, I really want to encourage you to give God praise with everything. If you can sing and dance to a worship song, then do it. If you have 20 minutes of free time, instead of going on the computer or T.V., please go serve and love on someone.

WITH EVERYTHING, guys. with everything. <3 this post is all over the place but I just needed to get this all out.

I LOVE JESUS!!! He answers prayers and He is beautiful and good and perfect in all His ways and He is with us and He will never leave and my OWN understanding is so LAME but He knows everything and He is GLORIOUS!