discipline

Wow, it has been a while since ive blogged! There has been a lot going on lately. I don't even know where to start! haha It has been such a struggle living with this constant pain. Its hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to walk, hard to talk, hard to text, hard to read, hard to drink water, hard to stop crying, and hard to cry. haha nothing is easy and everything takes every ounce of my energy. I went to the doctor about two months ago and he basically told me that.. this might be a permanent thing.. and we have tried everything he can think of to try and manage the pain.. so there is nothing more he can do for me. As I got this news I had no idea how to react.. I felt so much peace though. the words going through my head were "there is always hope. its ok.. its ok." and from that point on I really felt God urging me to GET UP. to KEEP GOING. to FIGHT. and thats what I did. after about a week of being bed ridden from pain, I went to the ZOO with my lovely boyfriend! I hiked up and down hills for about 5 hours! about half way through the day I wanted to go home so badly because i was exhausted.. but I just prayed.. and I knew that God would not have brought me there if He wasnt going to get me through the whole day. So I surrendered to Him and just trusted in His strength to carry me and it DID!!! God is amazingly faithful! I couldnt help but tear up on the way home because through Jesus I CONQURED that day!!!! I felt like no mountian could ever stand in my way because my Savior MOVES those mountians! He is ENOUGH. hahaha I was so encouraged!!!! so then a couple weeks later.. i was still doing reallyyyy bad pain wise.. There was one point when i couldnt stop shaking and i couldnt be touched and I just was crying and hurting and felt so awful... but God is faithful!!! and a couple days later I was up and out of the house and going to church and working and ALL GLORY TO GOD because HE was my strength through everything!!! He was the reason that I was still stoked on life and in LOVE with Jesus!!!!! Thank You God for your grace!!!!! so THEN came last week.. I was tired and just wanted to sleep and knew i needed to keep fighting through the day but was just exahusted. so I took a minute to lay my head down on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed.. but when i went to stand up.. i hit my head on the top of the bunk bed. really hard. in the exact same spot as my initial injury. I immideately went and told my boyfriend becuse I was so scared I was going to pass out from either the pain or the fear of the pain that was going to come. I was so scared but at the same time God kept me so calm. and my boyfriend took such sweet care of me.. and i knew everything was going to be ok.. and that God had a plan. SO these past two weeks have been... the absolute worst pain of my life. my head hurts so bad to the touch that even the thought of washing my hair makes me nauseous. its even harder to sleep or even rest in any way at all.. and on top of all that I am so nauseous all the time. and most of the neausea is coming from the strong medication that Ive been taking when i absolutely can not function. so then when im feeling absolutely horrible.. i dont even want to take the medicine that eases my pain a little because i know its just going to make me more nauseous. it is such a fight and so hard... and i cry a lot. and i want to give up all the time.. and I feel like I need help to keep going. someone to push me and make me eat and make me take my meds and make me exercise and get outside! then last week I realized that I wanted to be a personal trainer... and help people get healthy!!! I wanted to be that person to help someone else when its hard to keep going. and I want to tell them they can do it!!!!! because I have seen God help me do it EVERY. DAY. it is such a beautiful thing to be able to encourage others to keep going!!! I see Jesus so much in this!!!! last week I was praying and asking the Holy Spirit to come and be my personal trainer and help me every day to eat healthy and exercise and read my bible and pray and just FIGHT. and for about a week now I have been exercising every day and forcing myself to eat and take my vitamins and spend that precious time with God and I feel SO MUCH STRONGER!!!!!! I am in the worst pain of my life but yet fighting like I never have before!!!! God is providing verses for me every day and encouragement through His word and others and providing JOY through this HARD time!!!!! I am so in love with jesus!!!! yesterday I was walking around and I realized that my legs are stronger.. so they just walked on their own!!!! hahaha it took so much less energy to walk around than when my body was so weak before!! Today I have been hurting so much that its been harder than ever to keep going. I cried through washing my hair... i cried through my work out... i cried through my breakfast.. hahaha and i cried through my time with Jesus. everything in me today was saying "give up and lay down..stop eating and rest.. stop reading your bible and sleep." but I PUSHED THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i DID IT ANYWAYS!!!! I almost passed out but I did it anyways!!! because I know that the holy spirit is INSIDE me and will do it for me!!! I am not strong but HE IS. He is ENOUGH!!!! and He deserves every ounce of energy I have and for the first time in my life I gave Him ALL of that energy!!!! not because I can but because GOD IS FULL OF MERCY AND GRACE!!!! I am His and I am here for NOTHING else but to honor HIM! I just want Him I just want Him I just want Him. and I know that without Him I am absolutely nothing. and I can do nothing without Him. it is through Him that I am getting up at all. ... so yeah.. this is whats been going on in my life!!! hahahaha and so much more too.. but relating to my pain and direction in life.. this is where its at. God is making me a FIGHTER. I will not give up!!! He is making me STRONGER! I am so in LOVE! hahaha I am SO AMAZED that God is giving me strength through this to get up. I am so amazed at His mercy and grace.. I am so amazed that I even have this story to tell.. and its a mess of a story.. full of crying and confusion and weakness.. but JESUS IS MY STRENGTH! he is teaching me how to discipline myself for the purpose of righteousness. not for here but for eternity. He is LOVE LOVE LOVE.. I cant get over it. hahaha if you think about it.. please be praying for me! I start school to become a fitness specialist in the fall and my pain is CrAzY. and its really hard.. like I said.. I cried all day. hahaha but i am STOKED to fight and stoked to see what God is going to do. He is so faithful and worthy to be waited on and worthy to be praised! thank You Jesus! <3