Let it go

When I was thinking of what to title this post before I even started writing anything "let it go" came to mind. And I feel so silly saying it, but it's insane how much I can relate to Elsa. Haha I mean obviously not with the snow magic but with "conceal don't feel don't let them know." 

I think I've been telling myself this way too much. Pressing down emotions and telling myself not to feel or think about what's going on because I don't want to face the reality of this pain being horribly sad, and devastating, and discouraging, and at times it does eel hopeless. So I just try not to feel the emotional part. It's hard for me to cry about it, especially in front of people, and it's hard for me to ask for help or even let people help me at all. And I'm realizing so much how sad and wrong that is. Yes, it will hurt my heart to tap into all the emotions that come along with this... But God will be right there to hold me , and others will be right there to speak truth into all those emotions and remind me that it's ok to be sad because this is really sad, and it's ok to be frustrated because this is really frustrating, and it's ok to feel overwhelmed because this is really hard. But I don't have to face all that alone.. Because God is right there with me in it all,ready to take it off my shoulders, and if I hold it all in and don't feel it then I'm not giving  Him and chance to take it and I'm not giving you a chance to love on me through it. 

I really just want to apologize to God and to everyone who ever asks me how I'm doing for concealing it and not feeling it and not letting you know how bad this really sucks. I mean I do sometimes but I always let you know that there is so much JOY because THERE IS JOY IN JESUS. And I really am happy and thankful and trusting in Gods plans and seeking His purpose in all this and super in love with Jesus. But the joy is truly so much stronger after I let all the tears out and remember those things all over again. I was praying this morning that God would help me not be afraid of pain.. Physically AND emotionally. And He is speaking to me and telling me that feeling the pain is part of surrendering to His loving plan. Because after the mourning, the dancing is so much more freeing. And that's where the strength comes from. Seeing  God come through over and over and over again. And I'm not afraid anymore because I believe He is a faithful and loving God and He wants what is best for me. 

I also wanted to apologize for being short with everyone who has been asking about the procedure I'm getting in a few weeks. It's just another thing that I didn't want to think about because honestly it's so scary. But I'm so sad for being short with you because you were just trying to love on me and I didn't let you because I didn't want to feel the weight of it. that is so wrong and God has so much better. I've realized it's better to break down crying in the moment and let you pray for me than it is to say I'm ok and move on. I need you guys. Such beautiful vessels of Gods sweet love. Keep shining bright for Him. 

I just want to let you know too that I really am joyful in The Lord. And I'm not lying when I say I'm happy. I'm SO happy. Haha probably way too happy! There are so many blessing and I can not believe the life God has given me. I have my dream job, I'm getting married to my absolute best friend on this earth (not to mention the sweetest and strongest guy I've ever known) , I have amazing friends, I live in Southern California and I've got JESUS as my Savior. What more could a girl ask for? I know that whatever happens with the procedure and if it's not what heals my head then it's gonna be ok. And it if does.... Then it's gonna be amazing. It stops my heart just to think about no more pain!!! Haha ahhh Gods got the best plans. Can't wait to see what happens and I'm thankful to have so much amazing support. 

Love you guys. Thanks for letting me be REAL.