Be set free

God is so good.

I don't even know where to start for this post! praying that God leads it so that you might know His goodness even deeper.

With all the dancing I had been doing, my nerve damage was feeling a little better!!!! I don't know if it was the exercise or WHAT but it definitely helped me to dance my heart out for JESUS! I was still in a lot of pain and having good days and bad days but the bad days were less than the good ones, which is a miracle.

Right at the end of the year, when we were dancing our Christmas shows, my back was starting to bother me with pain. Just felt sore and like my bones needed some time off! So after the shows I took a break for Christmas and it started to feel better! But then I was a work, on the last day of the year, and all of the sudden my back hurt so badly that I could hardly stand! I thought I was going to pass out or throw up! I can handle heavy pain but this was super immobilizing! I went home immediately and couldn't even walk. I brought in the new year bed-ridden on the couch and unable to move without killing myself from pain! The next day we went to the chiropractor and he took an ex-ray and told me that a vertebrae in my lower back had slipped backwards out of place and THAT'S what was causing all the pain. So I started getting treatments and in a week I was able to walk. but I would have these horrible flair ups where I couldn't move and I would seriously cry like a baby!!! I am used to being uncomfortable but this was a whole new level because I was dealing with horrible head pain AND back pain! the break from dance definitely made my head a lot worse and it was so hard to breathe... so hard to breathe..

this has gone on for a little over a month now and I have had to get substitute teachers for all my classes and about two weeks ago I had to drop out of my dance classes that I was taking. I had been missing week after week and had to let them know that I wouldn't be coming back. This was so hard for me, I can't even tell you how much I was crying. I had to FIGHT to STOP FIGHTING. a concept I never thought I would face. with my head pain I could still do some things some times. but with my back pain I could not physically do it. and so mentally I was a MESS. I wanted so badly to push through it and keep going and keep teaching and keep dancing but I knew that God was shutting the door and saying no.

I feared so much that I would get fired from my job and I realized that... I am holding on to this world way to tightly. so I simply let go. of everything. and just gave it to GOD because HE KNOWS and He is taking care of me! and He is with me every step of the way and HE HAS A PLAN and a will far greater than anything I could comprehend! He is so utterly amazing and I am in such desperate need for Him to be FIRST in my life!!!! my goodness He knows exactly what to take away so that I might see my need for Him and turn to Him for everything my heart longs for. and as soon as I saw that, nothing else mattered. It didnt matter if I lost my job or if I couldnt dance or if I would never walk again because in Jesus I have a purpose!!! and that is to LOVE WITHOUT HOLDING BACK. and I trust God that He will put me right where he wants me and I know that right now He just wants me at HIS FEET. soaking up His goodness and Love and LIGHT. I can not get enough of Him and I can not do anything on my own!

I have been able to keep my job. God is so gracious. I can't do everything that I once could do but The Lord is letting me teach still and I am so thankful! He answers prayers and He is full of HOPE. But even though I know all this it has still been so hard lately.. I find myself BEGGING God to heal me.. to please give me relief if even for one hour. I want to live life to the fullest and to be able to run around at the beach and ride my bike and do cartweels and just have be my dorky self! and to one day be a wife and a mother who has energy and strength!!!! ahh! how I long for that! as I was thinking these things God put song lyrics on my heart... "I found a love, greater than life itself." and I realized what this meant... that GODS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE. who cares if I can run and jump and sing and dance and have energy to clean and cook and alllll thattttttttt!!!!! I have come to know the LOVE of GOD and that surpasses everything!!!!!!! and THROUGH His love I am able to have that strength and endless joy that could only come from Him. He is my number one. my Best Friend. my only Hope.

I just want every ounce of my energy to be used for Him. I want to know Him more and rest in Him more and cling to Him MORE. I need to need Him more!!!! I am so stoked to surrender my life to Him!!! take it all God!!! The enemy can try to steal my joy but YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF IT and NOTHING CAN TOUCH YOU. I feel so safe!!!! praying the other night that God would come meet with me in my prayer time and I felt Him just holding me... holding me close. He encountered me with His love and I want to love others like that! it is moving my heart to beat only for Him! and to love others selflessly! I am not going to be able to do that though!! please Jesus do it through me!!!

 I feel so humbled. I AM BROKEN and God is still using me for His glory. I do not deserve this love. He is endless, boundless, beautiful, satisfying, LOVE. I am so gone for Him. If you don't understand why God has you where He has you.. just look to Jesus. He wants to be your best friend... you can talk to Him about anything. pour out your heart before Him. He loves YOU. He will blow your socks off and show you that He is enough and you do not have to be! That He is in control and you do not have to be! That He will fill your soul up even in these dry times! and that He has a plan for you. because He cares for you.

He is the only one who can make your life make sense, and not only make sense, but be absolutely filled with purpose.

I sit here in excruciating pain that will not relent. My head from nerve damage, my back from a dislocated vertebrae, and my ears and teeth from TMJ and my wisdom teeth growing in, but I feel such a pull on my heart to let whoever reads this know that He is still good and He is still with me.. and its going to be ok.. I feel so desperate to let you know that it is going to be ok.

whatever you are going through remember this: Jesus has overcome. He has saved you. rest in Him and BE SET FREE.