Be My Everything

SO...
 Last week I was in a really bad car accident on the freeway at night. I was driving and the only one in the car, thank God. My injuries are minor, and my car is totaled. I'm really not worried about not having a car though, God is really giving me peace in that area. I am so thankful that He was with me and kept me alive... it makes my eyes full of tears to even think about His grace in that moment. HE IS HERE. He has a plan. HE IS FAITHFUL.

I came out with bruising all over my face and on my chest, and also some whiplash which resulted in migraines. I feel like for a normal person this might not be so bad... but for me.. it has caused me so much pain. I thought the back pain was bad.. HA! hahahha not even close to this. I am constantly shaking from pain and unable to do anything. Even eating and breathing has been such a struggle. I am so exhausted at every second. I sleep for maybe three hours during the night and then I wake up to excruciating pain in my head and neck and chest. I force myself to read my bible before I get out of bed though... and then I take a hot bath to try and soothe the pain... but it only helps a little, and as soon as I'm out and dry, the pain is even higher than the moment I woke up. And all I can do is focus on the essentials.. eating and breathing.. and TRUSTING that God has me.. and that He has a plan for this.

I have been reading Bethany Hamilton's book "Soul Surfer" (shocker right? ;) ), Joni Earekson Tada's book "A Place Of Healing", and Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost For His Highest" and I know that God has been using these people to keep my heart at peace and encouraged!!! I have just been exploding with joy in my heart and SO STOKED to see what God has through all of this...and just remembering that He is making me stronger, and more like Jesus.. I don't even have words for this kind of peace and joy. ITS ALL FROM GOD. He is seriously guarding my heart. I HAVE been crying every day from pain though.. and it IS the hardest thing I have ever faced.. but I know He is here. and that He is not going to leave me. and that is enough.. I cant even explain it... Jesus is enough.

I had a check up at the doctor today to get some more help (last week the doctor had to wait a week to do anything to help me), and I can't ever remember being so excited to go to the doctor. I have been in so much pain today.. my body is just NOT working.. it honestly makes me cry to even talk about.. because it's hard. I really want to be that girl in her 20's who runs on the beach and that wife who has energy to give endless love to her husband and that mom who plays tag, and make believe, with her children..
 It looks so far away... unreachable. because today I'm this girl who is shaking from pain. and it takes ALL the energy for the day just to take a bath in the morning. and I cry all the time. I can't take care of myself. I'm not strong enough... BUT I KNOW HE IS. I know if those good desires are what God has for me that He will be the source of that energy and strength and love. and I TRUST that His plans for my life are so much better than any of my dreams!!! He is making me stronger... He is making me a fighter. My body is giving up on me completely.. BUT MY GOD HAS NOT LET ME GO.

It hit me so hard on the way home today that Jesus desires for me to be out of this pain, for me not to be sad about it.. or sad about the way my body is working. He cries with me.. and He has COMPASSION on me. It touched my heart to the point of tears!! HE IS SO SWEET. I cant even comprehend it!

I want Him to be my everything.. and I am going to take care of my body FOR HIM. Not for myself and not for my desires and not for my plans!!! If I lose my job then He has me in His hands! If I can never play with my children then He has me in His hands! if I completely waste away on this earth and even DIE then HE HAS ME IN HIS HANDS!! I need not to worry about anything at all. My body is HIS and my life is HIS and I just want to live every second for HIM. not for myself. I trust with all my heart that He is going to take care of me. no matter what.

and I trust that He will heal me. That He already has.

As I go through this journey the next couple of weeks I really want to keep this blog updated... so whoever reads it will know of His faithfulness and great big LOVE! I have physical therapy three times a week for two weeks and I am also going to do whatever else I am allowed to do to bring health upon my body and to bring JESUS to #1 in my life!!!!! I am determined to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! and I am going to fail every day!!!!!!!! But Jesus is enough!!! He never fails! ahhhh!

I also get all four of my wisdom teeth pulled next week. Right now I am skin and bones, absolutely no muscle. It worries me a little to think this is coming so soon. I desperately want to feel better and for my body to be stronger. but GOD KNOWS AND HE HAS THIS PLANNED FOR A REASON.

so JUST to recap, that's: Nerve damage in my head, car accident ailments (which include: not able to work, no car, and PAIN on top of pain), and getting surgery in a week that entails me not being able to eat when I have already not been able to eat. oh yeah, and more pain. But I know God has this. He is holding my heart so close and I just want everyone out there to know of His love and the joy and strength and PURPOSE He gives through these trials. Nothing we go through is ever wasted. how could I be so blessed? Abba, You, are so GOOD TO ME. so good to us. I am blown away.

Thank you for all the support and prayers. Especially to my family and boyfriend, you guys have been amazing love and beautiful servants of Jesus to me! <333>

You make beautiful things out of the dust, Lord... I trust that You will make this pain beautiful in my life. I ask for healing, but even more I ask that You would make Yourself KNOWN through all of this. That Your Glory would SHINE.